Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Beautiful Disaster


I’m feeling very compelled to write today for whatever reason that may be. I’ve been thinking about my journey through grief a lot lately and where it has taken me and have wondered where it will take me from here. Losing Tenley has been such a beautiful disaster; I know many people may ask why I choose the word beautiful about something so ugly. I have to pick that word because that has truly been a great definition of my journey through grief. Yes I’ve felt like I have been in the depths of hell, the ugliest place you can ever imagine but my little girl fought so hard to show me the beautiful side of it and today I can honestly say I can see it.

I try and start from the first day of losing her….

The best word to describe that day was NUMB, maybe it was the morphine or maybe it was because of how sick I was when I delivered her but I honestly don’t remember crying one tear on the very first day. I know, I know it sounds crazy. How could you not cry when your child died? I don’t know but I do know she was with me that day telling me to be strong and that she was ok. I also know that I had that one little button and the tip of my fingers that I could just press and I would feel NUMB all over again.  I did cry though I cried so much I could have made a lake, but those tears just didn’t come at first.  That morning though when I woke up without my belly and without my baby I CRIED and I cried hard and for a long time, trying my best to be quite so I didn’t wake Louie. I wanted to be alone I wanted to feel the pain and I just needed to cry. The nurse came in shortly after I finished my giant sob fest and asked if I would like to see Tenley again, I shook my head with a smile and immediately started crying again. I feel like the tears didn’t stop for months after that. I would wake up crying, I would wake up swearing I could hear her cry in her room only to go into an empty room and an empty crib. I would hold her blankets and just cry on the floor asking why. Why my baby? The answers came to me though and what a beautiful journey it has been since then.

The answers came that I needed to volunteer for families like mine; I needed to be there for mothers who we’re feeling that raw emotion I was feeling. I also feel like I needed to know I wasn’t in this alone and that there we’re others “like me”! More answers followed when I realized I needed to work with these families even more, somehow I need to touch these families, and then it hit me I wanted to become a NICU nurse. I could relate in some sense and if the unimaginable happened to their child I could be there for them in a deeper way than most NICU nurses. Once again it didn’t stop there though so I became a Doula, I still haven’t done any doula work but I will get my foot out there in a matter of time and when it’s right. Becoming a doula then made me want to go further, I want to be a midwife. I don’t ever want a family to be treated the way I was when I was pregnant. I can see this blossoming into something BIGGER though and I’m just waiting for Tenley to show me what’s next in my journey. I went from not worrying about going to school to wanting to be a midwife and it’s all because of this Beautiful Disaster that happened to me, out of pain beauty came.

Once I found out why this happened to me I could see why and what my life was supposed to be. My little Tenley has only begun to show me all the fabulous things she is going to bring to my life. I can feel her (and I’ve been told) she is just tugging at my arm like “come on mom, I have so much to show you”! Little did I know my daughter was going to teach me about life instead of me teaching her about it.  I’ve learned to smile through the pain and hard days and I know that is what she wanted. She wanted her mama to be happy and she wants me to teach people and be there for them.

I made her a promise the day she passed I whispered in her ear that “I was going to make a difference for her and fight” and that’s what I’m doing. When those doctors can see the day that I’m better at helping an expecting mother than they we’re I can smile that I finally made my promise come true to my little girl and I can smiling knowing that if I can help one mother have a better experience through their birth and loss of their child this journey will have been worth it.

The day she died was really the first day of the rest of my life without her, my clock started all over again and she has given me life. Thank you my Tenley girl for giving me such a beautiful blessing.

“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be” – Robert Muncsh

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

New Beginnings

Let's just start by saying WHEW it's been a busy few months and I'm happy it's finally winding down and getting back to normal. A lot has happened since I last posted on here so let’s start from the New Year.

January: I was ever so lucky to have another septoplasty and turbinate reduction. I wasn't sleeping well so I thought I would go in and see if my deviated septum came back 10 years later and lucky me it did. So my mom came into town to take care of me and finally got to meet Tamer. A week after my surgery I started my second semester back at school, I decided to take a light load and I'm totally regretting it with how easy this semester is. I'm taking refresher classes for math and English then a nice Zumba workout class. I was thinking the refresher courses would have more homework since they gave me 6 credits for math and 4 for writing but I guess not.
 
February: I had a wonderful valentine’s day with Tamer, he sent me beautiful roses and took me to Market Street for dinner (yummy crab)! February 12th was 3 years since I found out that I was expecting little T bug also. Tamer and I also made a big decision to move in together in February so that was super exciting :) We also found out we will be adding one more beautiful baby to the family on October 5th, 2013. I cannot wait to meet my new niece or nephew :) Congrats Matthew, Christina, Lyla and Abby.
 
March: Well so far March is off to a good start :) I got to speak at the Annual Doula Conference in Salt Lake on March 1st about my experience with Tenley. This was HUGE for me and I was so nervous that I totally sped through it and wish I would have taken my time but that's okay it will make me better for next time I get to speak in front of a big group about her. My parents came into town for it and my dad finally got to meet Tamer just in time for us moving in together :) The next day I started moving my stuff in and I'm happy to say we finally finished yesterday (thank god) because I'm DRAINED. I almost got everything organized with a couple rooms left but I'm making progress to say the least.

 
Moving in with Tamer is a HUGE step for me. I've been so afraid of commitment since me and her dad had a horrible break up. I was scared to move in with a guy ever again and it’s not just me its Tenley too so it's big for me to move her stuff. Things are different with Tamer though and I guess you can say I feel "safe" with him. I don't see him hurting me the way others have in the past and he definitely doesn't have a mean bone in his body (well maybe when I misplace his stuff I moved & when he works a 13 hour day ha-ha)! But I like him, I really really like him (those of you who watch bachelor can laugh at this sentence) Yes unlike Juan Pablo I can admit that I love him ;) and he makes me incredibly happy. I can’t wait to see what the future hold for us.


Love,
Tenley's Mama





Thursday, December 19, 2013

Happiness After Loss


WOW it’s been since June since I updated this blog of mine, sorry for slacking! So many things have happened since then and I’m excited to share most of them.

1st:  The fundraiser turned out better than I could have ever imagined it. We raised about $250 for a NICU family at Primary Children’s Medical Center and donated hundreds of dollars’ worth of toys, arts and craft supplies, stuffed animals, clothes etc.



 

2nd: TENLEY TURNED 2 on July 21, 2013 at 1:52PM! Seriously blows my mind it feels like just yesterday that I had her, gosh I love that girl! To the moon and back, forever and always.
 

3rd: I turned the big 25 on August 17th….ahhhh half way to 30. (Where has time gone? I was 22 when I had Tenley but only 3 weeks shy of 23)!

4th: I met an amazing guy and have been dating him since August! He lets me openly speak about my little gal without it being uncomfortable and understands my “Tenley days”! He’s amazing  

5th: I started school! I’m going for my prerequisites right now and I will eventually get my nursing degree and Midwife degree.. All because a sweet little girl changed what her mama wanted to do with her life, Thank you my T Bug.
 

6th: Went to my 3rd walk to remember in October for all the babies gone too soon
 

7th: I got to buy Christmas for a little girl Tenley’s age and it was soooo healing. This is my second year doing this and I will continue to do so in the coming years.

8th: I got my Doula certification J Woot Woot that’s right if you yes you are looking for a doula for their birth or know anyone in the Salt Lake area looking send them my way.  Thank you in advance
 

9th: I finished my first semester back at school with a 3.6 GPA! Yup got a A and two B+

As far as how I’m feeling two and a half years out. Life is good and some days it’s absolutely amazing.  I still miss my T Bug daily but I know she is so happy where she is at. I hope I can continue to make her proud and look up to me.  This Christmas I’m actually getting into the spirit and Christmas shopping  and decorating at my house. ( I may have even listened to Christmas music *gasp* I never do that lol but this year I’m loving it. In fact its playing on Pandora as I write this)

Well I think I’ve updated most of it accurately J I may have missed a few things here and there but overall these we’re the highlights!

I will try my best to update more frequently. Merry Christmas everyone

 
Love,

Tenley’s mama

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Fundraiser for Tenley's 2nd Birthday


Spirit Night

 

T & T ANGEL BABY FUNDRAISER FOR
PRIMARY CHILDRENS MEDICAL CENTER
Organization

 

Please join us for a night of celebrating our baby’s birthday’s Tenley & Theodore. We will be accepting clothes, toys, baskets or anything you’d like to donate to Primary Medical Center. 20% of all sales from 5-8 will be donated to Primary Children's Medical Center in Tenley's and & Theodore's name.
 
Things Primary Children's Needs:
NICU-
Boys and Girls 3-6 month sleepers (SNAP FRONT ONLY cannot have a zipper because of the tubes and wires, also only COTTON, no fleece or terry cloth) gently used is acceptable
58x58 Fleece Blankets to go over the big warmer machines (these are used to keep out noise, just straight cut edges no ties please)
... 44x44 Flannel receiving blankets without crocheted edges these go over the mattress pad

PICU-
Wrist rattles cloth and non-cloth
Books
Popular Disney movies (cars, cars 2, tangled)
Cancer Ward-
Markers for coloring and window markers
Nail polish
Beads (so they can make bracelets)
DVD’s (little mermaid, Cinderella, tangled, cars etc.)

You can call the donations department at PCMC (801) 662-5959 at any time to see what donations they are in need of, I will update this list monthly so we can get what they need.

They will also accept checks made out to Primary Children’s Medical Center
 
 

 

TUESDAY, JULY 16th, 2013                                   5 - 8 pm

    Date                                                    Time

 

 

 

 

 

© 2011 CFA Properties, Inc. Chick-fil-A Stylized® and the Chick-fil-A Cows® are registered trademarks of CFA Properties, Inc.

(801) 486-0609 • www.chick-fil-a.com/sugarhouse

Sugar House

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Tenley Grace's 2nd Birthday Party

So Tenley's birthday is just three short months away and I couldn't have thought of a better way to celebrate than to honor two angel babies. This year I'm teaming up with a fellow angel mama and we are going to be donating toys, clothes, blankets, gift cards, baskets (with puzzles, hand sanitizer, lotion ect) to Primary Children's Medical Center in memory of Tenley and Thoedore. We will have our main focus on NICU, PICU and the cancer ward. People can either bring the donations to us before July 20th or they can meet us on July 20th (location to be announced at a later date) and then we will head up to Primary Children's and donate all the fabulous gifts. We ask that you share this blog with family and friends so we can get the word out and donate as much as possible in there memory. You can donate anything you can think of that will help get these families through this rough time in there lives and put a smile on their faces. Please lets rally together for these two babies and donate a precious gift to families who need a little pick me up. Thank you for all your love and support these past two years. I'm looking forward to seeing you all on July 20th, 2013.
 
 
Love,
Tenley's mama 
 
 
 
 
<3How cute are these two angels<3


Items they are in need of

NICU-
Boys and Girls 3-6 month sleepers (SNAP FRONT ONLY cannot have a zipper because of the tubes and wires, also only COTTON, no fleece or terry cloth) gently used is acceptable
58x58 Fleece Blankets to go over the big warmer machines (these are used to keep out noise, just straight cut edges no ties please)
44x44 Flannel receiving blankets without crocheted edges these go over the mattress pad

PICU-
Wrist rattles cloth and non-cloth
Books
Popular Disney movies (cars, cars 2, tangled)

 
Cancer Ward-

Markers for coloring and window markers
Nail polish
Beads (so they can make bracelets)
DVD’s (little mermaid, Cinderella, tangled, cars etc.)

 

You can call the donations department at PCMC (801) 662-5959 at any time to see what donations they are in need of, I will update this list monthly so we can get what they need.

They will also accept checks made out to Primary Children’s Medical Center

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Butterflies and holidays


                I was thinking of my baby girl a lot yesterday as I was watching the snow fall and realizing the holiday’s we’re approaching more quickly than I’d like. Most people love the holidays, unfortunately holidays are different for me now as it’s a painful reminder that Tenley can’t be here to celebrate with us. Then a random thought popped in my head and I’m not sure where it came from but I was like watching a video of us releasing butterflies at Tenley’s funeral and it felt like I was in a dream and I looked at Louie and told him we we’re letting our daughter go at that moment, we we’re symbolizing her spreading her wings and going on in her life on her own journey.  I immediately burst into tear knowing my little girl was trying to remind me that I “set her free that day” to go on to do amazing things and wait for her mommy and daddy. I just kept replaying that moment of those butterflies flying straight to her casket and then flying away and in a way I think they we’re going to get her and show her the way (like they we’re other family members she’s with and they we’re showing her how to spread her wings and fly with them). I can’t help but continue to replay that in my head and it brings a smile to my face because I think she is here trying to remind me during the holidays that she’s okay and happy and she wants me to remember that she’s flying around and she wants that to make her mama happy. I love you Tenley Grace xoxo

Saturday, July 28, 2012

1st Birthday


A year came and went and the pain of losing you is slowly getting better. As your birthday was vastly approaching I found so much built up anger in me that your daddy wasn’t around. I feel like I took it out on everyone and anyone around me. I was pissed and I was going to let the world know it, I was pissed he wasn’t there for me I was mad you we're taken away from me and I was mad that I felt like no one understood me. I was so stressed and sad, I've never felt so lonely in my entire life than that month leading up. I wanted to know why me? Why did god take my baby away from me? Was it something that I did, did I say something or do something wrong during my pregnancy was this a punishment for something? I couldn’t help but blame myself for being alone with no baby and her daddy being gone, so I started pushing everyone away.

Life will never be the same without my daughter; I will always wonder why she was sick and why she was taken too soon. I've began to start to see little glimpses of the "old" me and it makes me happy that I can see a little bit of me and who I was before this tragedy. It's not that I'm forgetting my daughter it's just that I'm learning to live my life without her being physically here with me. I will always be sure to let everyone in my life know about her and share her story with people I meet.

Her birthday was such a beautiful & peaceful day with few tears to shed. I did hurt and as I watched my niece I would wonder what she would be doing. Would she be running around with Lyla & Ella? Would she be saying mama or dada? I did find myself laughing with friends and family and celebrating her short life. I was so happy so many people came out to celebrate with our family; it reminded me that people do remember her and love that sweet little girl. I couldn’t ask for better people in my life than the people that are here now.

I miss you Tenley Grace and not a day goes by that I do not miss you or wish you we're here in mama's arms. To comfort those sweet little cries and fix your owies and make everything okay. Sometimes I wish you we're here to comfort mama when she was sad and you would make everything okay again. I love you my sweet daughter and miss you terribly.

Love you mama