Big steps

It been a while since I wrote, might be because usually I only blog when I have a bad day but those are coming few and far between now. Don’t get me wrong I still Miss Tenley everyday but I’m learning to deal with it better. I’ve done a lot since I last wrote and I’ve made a lot of big steps in the grieving/healing process. I made a promise to myself last month to try something that I know is going to be hard but things I need to do to start healing. So let’s start with my first big step. I filed to financial assistance with the hospital, I had such a hard time doing this because I dislike HATE asking for help. I wanted to be able to do this on my own and somehow by some miracle pay off Tenley’s medical debt. I realized it just wasn’t going to happen so I filed the papers. It was also hard for me because it’s one of the last things I needed to do for my baby girl. The results came in last week and they took off 96% of the debt which means I now only owe $250. It’s such a blessing to get those bills taken off and a HUGE weight off of my shoulders. My second big step was going back to the hospital and NICU to donate blankets in Tenley’s name. I was literally in the car shaking and thinking I cannot do this I can’t go back in there. I don’t know why because I went back a couple weeks after she passed away to drop off cards to the nurses. I did pretty good though and made it through with only a few shed tears. I also got to see my amazing nurse who was with me the days leading up to Tenley’s birth and she was my nurse during delivery. She is so amazing and I really hope one day when I have a baby again that I can have her as a nurse. We always laughed at her because she always seemed so nervous but she is an amazing woman. She was crying when she saw I and we talked for a bit and she told me that she still has Tenley’s picture up on her fridge and she prays for her and me every day. I love that lady she helped me through this so much.

My third big step happened yesterday. I went and saw my friend Sarah in the hospital after she had her sweet baby. I have to admit I was nervous I was going to have a hard time because her little girl is sick and in NICU but when I walked in there I felt Tenley with me telling me

mama you can do this

she was my strength yesterday. She guiding me through the process and gave me the strength to be there and be happy. It was so healing for me to see that sweet baby and knowing I can go visit her. I feel that Tenley brought me to meet this woman and to help her through this hard time in her life. I know how scary and hard it is to have a sick baby and you need as much support you can get. She is such a beautiful baby I just felt so much love for her when I saw her and I’m so happy to call her mama my friend. I was at lunch today and I really was thinking “I’m really proud of myself for my step last night”. I know it sounds so dumb but I am…. It really made me realize what a strong woman it takes to get through this kind of loss. I think of all my angel mommy friends and think how amazing those women are, I think they are so beautiful because of the strength they show daily. I’m really so encouraged by you ladies and admire you guys. We are special women because god chose us to hold and care for such special & perfect babies. He trusted us to take care of them until he was ready to have them back. He has a purpose for all of this. He had bigger and better plans for those sweet angels above us. Though I wish we met in a different way, I’m so happy we did meet (maybe not in person) but through a support group. My next big endeavor????? MOVING OUT ON MY OWN.. This one is HUGE and so scary on so many levels. I’m so nervous to have

alone time

, to live on my own again is going to be so different, but I’m so ready for this and so excited. I hope to have so many big steps in the next couple months but I’m not going to push myself to far because I still need to remember to take care of myself and let myself heal and grieve correctly. I can’t push it, it will all happen when it’s supposed to. I’m so excited to see what god has next for me in life, and I just pray he has a better year set up for me than this last year.

What I would do with one more day with you….

What would I do with one more day with you? What would I tell you? If I had one more day with you I would give you an unimaginable amount of kisses, I would kiss those sweet toes, those perfect lips and that cute little button nose. I would do things I knew I would never get the chance to. I would bathe you and put a pretty bow in that beautiful long dark hair. I would dress you in the most perfect outfit. I would tickle those little feet and paint those cute little toes nails and finger nails. I would study ever little part of your perfect body so I could always remember. I would hold you and sing you a lullaby while you fell asleep. I would rock you in my arms till they felt like they we’re going to fall off then rock you more. I would take a nap next to you just so I could wake up to you at least once. I would take you on a walk outside so you could see trees, birds, the sky and grass. I would show you off to all my friends and family. I would laugh, cry and talk to you so you always remembered mommy’s voice. I would watch a movie with you and a children’s show. I would read a book to you. I would play peek-a-boo with you. I would tell you all about mommy and daddy. I would tell you how we met and how we fell in love. I would tell you how much I love you and how much I will miss you. I would ask you to come visit me and watch over me. I would tell you all about your grandma’s, grandpas, and all your aunts and uncle, and your cousins. I would tell you how beautiful you are and how you are so perfect. I would tell you about when you we’re in my belly and how it felt. I would tell you all the funny things you would do in mommy’s belly. I would tell you a love story about a prince and princess. I would tell you not to go and not to leave me. I would tell you my heart was going to break when you left me. I would tell you to tell god to take good care of you until your mommy got there. At the end of my time with you I would tell you I love you and it’s okay to go now. I would tell you I will miss you and always remember you. I would tell you that you’ll always be my first baby and my first daughter. I would tell you that you’ll always mean the world to me. I would tell you that you forever changed me. I would thank you for blessing my life and allowing me to be the mommy of the most beautiful and precious baby girl. I love you baby girl forever and for always. Love, Mommy

Valentines in heaven

I wonder what Valentines day is like in heaven. Do you think all the little kids make valentines boxes like they do here and deliver valentines to their friends? Do you think they have a favorite boy/girl to give their valentine to? The thought of heaven amazes me lately I always wonder what it is like on holiday's and on regular days. I wonder what Little miss Tenley is up to, if she is running around with her friends or if she is with family. I went to visit my sweet valentine yesterday with my sister and niece. We took her some flowers and a card (ella gave her a valentine that she gave to her classmates)! Ella loves her little cousin even though she isn't here. She draws her pictures for her grave all the time, and looks at pictures with me. Sometimes I wonder what she is thinking about it too, I wonder if she grasps that she really is gone. We we're so close when I was pregnant and she would feel her move everyday. I love being able to see my sweet Ella everyday though it's nice to have a young child around. Well here are some pictures of yesterday.

Last days of being pregnant....

Can I tell you how much I miss being pregnant? If I could I would seriously be pregnant every day of my life. I can’t express how amazing it was to feel those hiccups, summersaults, kicks, punches and rolls. I remember those last few days with my daughter like it was yesterday. Tenley HATED those monitors she would kick them and move from them as much as she could. Most of the time when we lost her heartbeat they would have to bring an ultrasound machine in the room to find it again. She would put her back to the monitor so we couldn’t hear. She had such a little attitude but oh boy I loved her attitude, I miss her attitude. Looking back at pictures I was in such awe listening to her I had a constant smile on my face. The only time I didn’t have a smile is when we would loose her heartbeat or when the doctors would come in and talk to us. I didn’t want to have to think about how my child would be disabled, how she would have multiple surgery's throughout her life, how her bum would never be "normal"! I remember thinking why are you telling me this stuff? I don’t care what her bum is going to look like, I don’t care if she is going to have special needs, She is my daughter and I will always love her and do whatever I had to do for you. I hated knowing my sweet baby would be in pain and have to have surgery after surgery to get rid of that nasty tumor. This is a look back on the best days I ever had with Tenley Grace.

New year New Me

The past few weeks have been a crazy roller coaster. I have my up days and my down days but I’m finding myself having more up days lately. I had a task from my counselor to write myself a note from Tenley to myself. I didn’t realize it while writing it but I don’t think it was me writing that letter by myself. I don’t believe those we’re my words I believe they we’re words coming from my daughter. I find myself reading that letter every day now. It reminds me that I can remember my baby but I don’t always have to be sad about it. It reminds me that if I go out and meet new people it doesn’t mean I’m forgetting her or how important she is to me. She is my daughter and she will ALWAYS be my baby girl, my angel and my oldest child. I’m prepared to face life again and start fresh. I’m ready to find my new normal the new me.
It’s crazy to think it’s almost been a year that I got pregnant. It was a crazy ride but all worth it in the end. There is nothing I would change about this year (except having my daughter with me). She taught me the importance of life and family. She taught me to love everyone close to me unconditionally because you never know when they will be gone. She also showed me how strong I am and showed me that I can make it through anything. I love my Tenley Grace and cherish every moment I ever had with her. Before I thought how unfair it was that I never got to spend time with her while she was alive. It hit me the other night though. I did spend time with her while she was alive; I spent every minute with her for six months. I felt every move, every hiccup, every summersault and every kick. I swear she thought my bladder was a trampoline she would jump on it all day every day. The best gift I got from her though is getting to hear her 24/7 the last week of her life. I got to wake up to her every morning watching the ultrasound. I got a week of my baby girl waking me up because she wanted me to see her. I got that chance moms get to just stare at their babies and be amazing at how beautiful they are. I got that chance to sit up and just listen to my babies little heartbeat day after day. I got to feed her every day and I got to keep her safe and away from harm’s way. All those things I thought I got cheated out of I did for six months. It may have been to short but it was all worth it.

I love you Tenley Grace thank you for blessing my life and changing it for the better. Xoxo

New beginnings

Well thanksgiving came and went and I cant lie it was like I could stop holding my breath and calm down. I hated it this year I hated going to visit my daughter in the cemetery instead of her enjoying it with family. Life was supposed to be so different right now. I was supposed to have a baby girl and starting my family but that all got flipped upside down. Now I'm back at square one with no baby no boyfriend.
I also moved my stuff out of the house this weekend. It was refreshing it was like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. It was like life was on hold until I could get my stuff and be able to start life again. I have to say it was the best I have slept since Tenley passed. I realize how much stress was in my life I was trying to push something that just wasn't meant to be. I was putting on a front for everyone pretending I was doing great and I was happy. I was trying to make someone love me who just didn't want to love me the way I deserved.
I've been through hell and back this year. Its been full of ups and unforgettable downs. In the end though I have to remember this is going to make me 100 times stronger.
In the end all the struggles I've been through this year have made me the strong person I am today.

A world of changes

Life has been crazy this past week and definitely an emotional one to say the least. Louie and I parted ways and said goodbye but I'm starting to realize this is for the better at least for now. I've found so much peace being at my sister’s house and I feel a lot calmer now. Yes of course it hurts but we we're at totally different spots in life. He will ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart though because he gave the most wonderful gift a woman could ever ask for. He gave me the most beautiful, perfect little girl I could ever ask for.

So thanksgiving is creeping up and I can’t lie I’m DREADING the day. I'm dreading that Tenley won’t be here to experience it. I know she will be with me in spirit though and help me get through that day. I've been trying to realize that she will be here in spirit but I just want her HERE with me in my arms. I want so badly to rock her to sleep, sing a lullaby, change a dirty diaper and watch her coo, laugh and smile. It kills me inside knowing I will never get to do those things with her. The thing that hurts the most though is I will never see those eyes and see what color they we're.

On a happier note I finally found things to decorate her grave for thanksgiving. Can I tell you how hard it is to find a simple sign that says Happy Thanksgiving? I went to at least 5 different stores before I found anything. It makes me happy visiting her and decorating for holidays. I've been finding that I'm not feeling guilty if I don’t make it every day. I used to have to see her EVERYDAY or else I would feel so guilty and think that she thought I wasn’t thinking about her. She does know I think about her though. My whole day is consumed in thoughts of that sweet angel. I just love her so much.

Well Happy holiday's everyone...Hope they are filled with happiness and joy xoxo Hanah Rai