Happiness After Loss

WOW it’s been since June since I updated this blog of mine, sorry for slacking! So many things have happened since then and I’m excited to share most of them.

1^st:  The fundraiser turned out better than I could have ever imagined it. We raised about $250 for a NICU family at Primary Children’s Medical Center and donated hundreds of dollars’ worth of toys, arts and craft supplies, stuffed animals, clothes etc.

 

2^nd: TENLEY TURNED 2 on July 21, 2013 at 1:52PM! Seriously blows my mind it feels like just yesterday that I had her, gosh I love that girl! To the moon and back, forever and always.

 

3^rd: I turned the big 25 on August 17th….ahhhh half way to 30. (Where has time gone? I was 22 when I had Tenley but only 3 weeks shy of 23)!

4^th: I met an amazing guy and have been dating him since August! He lets me openly speak about my little gal without it being uncomfortable and understands my “Tenley days”! He’s amazing  

5^th: I started school! I’m going for my prerequisites right now and I will eventually get my nursing degree and Midwife degree.. All because a sweet little girl changed what her mama wanted to do with her life, Thank you my T Bug.

 

6^th: Went to my 3^rd walk to remember in October for all the babies gone too soon

 

7^th: I got to buy Christmas for a little girl Tenley’s age and it was soooo healing. This is my second year doing this and I will continue to do so in the coming years.

8^th: I got my Doula certification J Woot Woot that’s right if you yes you are looking for a doula for their birth or know anyone in the Salt Lake area looking send them my way.  Thank you in advance

 

9^th: I finished my first semester back at school with a 3.6 GPA! Yup got a A and two B+

As far as how I’m feeling two and a half years out. Life is good and some days it’s absolutely amazing.  I still miss my T Bug daily but I know she is so happy where she is at. I hope I can continue to make her proud and look up to me.  This Christmas I’m actually getting into the spirit and Christmas shopping  and decorating at my house. ( I may have even listened to Christmas music *gasp* I never do that lol but this year I’m loving it. In fact its playing on Pandora as I write this)

Well I think I’ve updated most of it accurately J I may have missed a few things here and there but overall these we’re the highlights!

I will try my best to update more frequently. Merry Christmas everyone

 

Love,

Tenley’s mama

Fundraiser for Tenley's 2nd Birthday

Spirit Night

 

T & T ANGEL BABY FUNDRAISER FOR
PRIMARY CHILDRENS MEDICAL CENTER
Organization

 

Please join us for a night of celebrating our baby’s birthday’s Tenley & Theodore. We will be accepting clothes, toys, baskets or anything you’d like to donate to Primary Medical Center. 20% of all sales from 5-8 will be donated to Primary Children's Medical Center in Tenley's and & Theodore's name.

 

Things Primary Children's Needs:

NICU-
Boys and Girls 3-6 month sleepers (SNAP FRONT ONLY cannot have a zipper because of the tubes and wires, also only COTTON, no fleece or terry cloth) gently used is acceptable
58x58 Fleece Blankets to go over the big warmer machines (these are used to keep out noise, just straight cut edges no ties please)
... 44x44 Flannel receiving blankets without crocheted edges these go over the mattress pad

PICU-
Wrist rattles cloth and non-cloth
Books
Popular Disney movies (cars, cars 2, tangled)

Cancer Ward-
Markers for coloring and window markers
Nail polish
Beads (so they can make bracelets)
DVD’s (little mermaid, Cinderella, tangled, cars etc.)

You can call the donations department at PCMC (801) 662-5959 at any time to see what donations they are in need of, I will update this list monthly so we can get what they need.

They will also accept checks made out to Primary Children’s Medical Center

 

 

 

TUESDAY, JULY 16th, 2013                                   5 - 8 pm

    Date                                                    Time

 

 

 

 

 

© 2011 CFA Properties, Inc. Chick-fil-A Stylized® and the Chick-fil-A Cows® are registered trademarks of CFA Properties, Inc.

(801) 486-0609 • www.chick-fil-a.com/sugarhouse

Sugar House

Tenley Grace's 2nd Birthday Party

So Tenley's birthday is just three short months away and I couldn't have thought of a better way to celebrate than to honor two angel babies. This year I'm teaming up with a fellow angel mama and we are going to be donating toys, clothes, blankets, gift cards, baskets (with puzzles, hand sanitizer, lotion ect) to Primary Children's Medical Center in memory of Tenley and Thoedore. We will have our main focus on NICU, PICU and the cancer ward. People can either bring the donations to us before July 20th or they can meet us on July 20th (location to be announced at a later date) and then we will head up to Primary Children's and donate all the fabulous gifts. We ask that you share this blog with family and friends so we can get the word out and donate as much as possible in there memory. You can donate anything you can think of that will help get these families through this rough time in there lives and put a smile on their faces. Please lets rally together for these two babies and donate a precious gift to families who need a little pick me up. Thank you for all your love and support these past two years. I'm looking forward to seeing you all on July 20th, 2013.

 

 

Love,

Tenley's mama 

 

 

 

 

<3How cute are these two angels<3

Items they are in need of

NICU-

Boys and Girls 3-6 month sleepers (SNAP FRONT ONLY cannot have a zipper because of the tubes and wires, also only COTTON, no fleece or terry cloth) gently used is acceptable
58x58 Fleece Blankets to go over the big warmer machines (these are used to keep out noise, just straight cut edges no ties please)
44x44 Flannel receiving blankets without crocheted edges these go over the mattress pad

PICU-

Wrist rattles cloth and non-cloth

Books

Popular Disney movies (cars, cars 2, tangled)

 

Cancer Ward-

Markers for coloring and window markers

Nail polish

Beads (so they can make bracelets)
DVD’s (little mermaid, Cinderella, tangled, cars etc.)

 

You can call the donations department at PCMC (801) 662-5959 at any time to see what donations they are in need of, I will update this list monthly so we can get what they need.

They will also accept checks made out to Primary Children’s Medical Center

Butterflies and holidays

                I was thinking of my baby girl a lot yesterday as I was watching the snow fall and realizing the holiday’s we’re approaching more quickly than I’d like. Most people love the holidays, unfortunately holidays are different for me now as it’s a painful reminder that Tenley can’t be here to celebrate with us. Then a random thought popped in my head and I’m not sure where it came from but I was like watching a video of us releasing butterflies at Tenley’s funeral and it felt like I was in a dream and I looked at Louie and told him we we’re letting our daughter go at that moment, we we’re symbolizing her spreading her wings and going on in her life on her own journey.  I immediately burst into tear knowing my little girl was trying to remind me that I “set her free that day” to go on to do amazing things and wait for her mommy and daddy. I just kept replaying that moment of those butterflies flying straight to her casket and then flying away and in a way I think they we’re going to get her and show her the way (like they we’re other family members she’s with and they we’re showing her how to spread her wings and fly with them). I can’t help but continue to replay that in my head and it brings a smile to my face because I think she is here trying to remind me during the holidays that she’s okay and happy and she wants me to remember that she’s flying around and she wants that to make her mama happy. I love you Tenley Grace xoxo

1st Birthday

A year came and went and the pain of losing you is slowly getting better. As your birthday was vastly approaching I found so much built up anger in me that your daddy wasn’t around. I feel like I took it out on everyone and anyone around me. I was pissed and I was going to let the world know it, I was pissed he wasn’t there for me I was mad you we're taken away from me and I was mad that I felt like no one understood me. I was so stressed and sad, I've never felt so lonely in my entire life than that month leading up. I wanted to know why me? Why did god take my baby away from me? Was it something that I did, did I say something or do something wrong during my pregnancy was this a punishment for something? I couldn’t help but blame myself for being alone with no baby and her daddy being gone, so I started pushing everyone away.

Life will never be the same without my daughter; I will always wonder why she was sick and why she was taken too soon. I've began to start to see little glimpses of the "old" me and it makes me happy that I can see a little bit of me and who I was before this tragedy. It's not that I'm forgetting my daughter it's just that I'm learning to live my life without her being physically here with me. I will always be sure to let everyone in my life know about her and share her story with people I meet.

Her birthday was such a beautiful & peaceful day with few tears to shed. I did hurt and as I watched my niece I would wonder what she would be doing. Would she be running around with Lyla & Ella? Would she be saying mama or dada? I did find myself laughing with friends and family and celebrating her short life. I was so happy so many people came out to celebrate with our family; it reminded me that people do remember her and love that sweet little girl. I couldn’t ask for better people in my life than the people that are here now.

I miss you Tenley Grace and not a day goes by that I do not miss you or wish you we're here in mama's arms. To comfort those sweet little cries and fix your owies and make everything okay. Sometimes I wish you we're here to comfort mama when she was sad and you would make everything okay again. I love you my sweet daughter and miss you terribly.

Love you mama

365 days of missing you

Today was the day one year ago I would start going into the hospital with contractions coming every two minutes. Today would be the first of the two days Alta View Hospital would turn me away saying it was just a UTI even though I insisted it wasn’t and insisted on seeing a doctor. Not once did they bring a doctor in to see me and their excuse for not giving me an ultrasound for two days in a row was that they we’re short on machines. I just wanted to slap some sense into those nurses and scream that I knew something was wrong with my child, and ask them why in the hell if I’m Paying for them to have work why they wouldn’t give me what I wanted. I walked out of the hospital on July 16^th pissed and confused how they we’re turning me away with contractions every minute at this point.

                It was on July 17^th I called my dad balling insisting something was wrong with Tenley. He told me I needed to go to another hospital and get check out. So I called IMC and demanded that I see a doctor and get an ultrasound and if I wasn’t going to get those two things I wouldn’t come in. They let me know that I would for sure get those two things. So we packed up and headed to the hospital I cried the way there because I was just so furious with Alta View. We got to IMC and they already had me checked in and went straight to a room and changed into a gown. The resident came in and started what seemed like a two hour ultrasound. She kept on saying “are you sure you aren’t feeling any pressure” and reassured her I didn’t and she just kept saying “wow her head is extremely low” but then she kept going over the left side of my belly over and over again and to me it looked like Tenley’s little head. The resident excused herself and said she would be right back. Right back turned into twenty minutes as I sat there knowing something wasn’t right. She walked in with another doctor and I read her tag, it said High Risk OBGYN. I freaked out reading that and it confirmed that something was wrong I just didn’t know what. She started going over that same spot and finally put down the wand and looked at me and Louie with a very serious face. The words that would come out of her mouth next would turn my world upside down “your child has a very large saccrococogeal Teratoma” my response was “what’s that” she replied with it’s a very large tumor coming off her butt. I didn’t have to say a word as they rolled me over and told me they we’re giving me a steroid shot to help with her lungs, then they explained how the paramedics we’re waiting for us and taking us up to the u of u. I’m pretty sure I was just looking at Louie with the saddest look as we both just started bawling. They told us we could have a couple minutes to call our families. We both got on our phones with our parents and explained what was happening and my parents called my sister to get to the hospital. When she walked in they we’re strapping me up on the bed and we we’re all just crying. As they we’re loading us into the ambulance the driver was insistent that is ANYTHING felt different at any time I needed to say something so we could go lights and sirens. I think this is when it sank in that my child would be making an entrance into this world sooner than I expected.

                We arrived to the U of U around 6:30 on July 17^th greeted by a team of high risk doctors who would be watching over me. They started an ultrasound and found no reason we couldn’t keep her in until they steroids did their job. I was so grateful that we could get her a little stronger since she was only 27 weeks gestation at this point. Day by day passed as we would run tests and ultrasounds every morning, meeting with new doctors, her surgeons and took a tour of the NICU so we knew what to expect. On July 19^th I woke up extremely swollen about 50lbs heavier than the day before and we all laughed about it but it freaking hurt. Then on July 20^th late at night my O2 stats started dipping into the lower 70’s (they are supposed to be upper 90’s) so they put me on oxygen and really monitored me that night. The next morning while listening to my lungs they heard fluid in them so they took an x ray and drew some blood then took me into the ultrasound. When we got back from the Ultrasound it only took the doctor about 30 mins to come back in with the news. She told me I had Maternal Mirror Syndrome (occurs when a pregnant woman has fetal hydropic, which is abnormal accumulation of fluid in two or more fetal compartments. This disorder gets its name because the mother suffers the same symptoms as the sick fetus. She will become ill and show signs of preeclampsia. The syndrome is dangerous for both the expectant mother and her fetus). She said the risk between continuing pregnancy and keeping baby in to grow stronger we’re outweighed and today would be the day we delivered our sweet girl.

 Before delivery they gave me two bags of blood because I was low and then at 1:25 it was off to surgery. As they we’re prepping me and Louie had to wait outside was the hardest part, we hadn’t been apart for longer than 10 minutes while I was in the hospital. Right before they started Louie walked in and they started. In a matter of minutes our baby would be here. At 1:52 pm I heard the most beautiful sound a person can ever experience and that was of my daughter crying for the first time.

 We only heard her a couple times as the whisked her away to NICU to get stabilized. There isn’t much I remember after this point because I got sick from surgery so I got knocked out. The next thing I remember is the phone ringing and I woke up to it. It was the surgeon, and as Louie was speaking to him his voice started cracking and his head fell down to his hands, I still didn’t understand what was happening so I yelled out “will someone please tell me what is happening?” As our families surrounded us he told me “she didn’t make it” Immediately I told them I wanted to see her now so they wheeled me down to see my daughter for the very first time. She was so beautiful a little angel with tons of black hair and perfect in every way. She looked just like her daddy with a few exceptions like my eyes and ears and toes, the rest was daddy with those long legs and cute little nose. We spent a good while with our daughter. She had passed at 4:16pm on July 21^st 2011. I don’t remember much of seeing her that day but they let me see her and take pictures the next day. She was perfect again and we took beautiful pictures of our little family that I will forever cherish.

If you ask me how it feels a year later I could tell you things have gotten a little easier but I’ve been through hell and back. If ask me if I’ll ever find my prince charming who will also love and cherish Tenley my answer would be no. I’ve hung out with some guys that I just didn’t see it in and I’ve dated one that there is just no way he could ever accept her. I have had an amazing support group though and although I and her daddy are no longer together I wish nothing but the best for him and his future. I will get to where I’m supposed to be and hopefully find a prince charming to sweep me off my feet and have lots of little babies but for now that will be on the back burner. No more looking I’m giving myself the time I need to grieve my baby and become a normal me. A year later I still feel the burn and the sting of losing you my sweet baby girl and there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about you. You are forever my first daughter and my first born. I love you to the moon and back, forever and for always.

                                                                              Love your mama

Two little souls with big plans

Remie
Daughter of Sarah Ellett

                       Tenley
Daughter of Hanah Cummings & Louie Zitting

It amazes me how such a tiny soul can make such an impact on one’s life. I’ve not only seen this once but I’ve seen this in so many tiny babies. From the moment we find out we are carrying a child or our partner finds out we are with child our whole life changes. It’s no longer about you it’s about what’s best for the baby. It becomes a race to become the best parents you can be even before their arrival. You suddenly become selfless and put this tiny beings needs before yours.

There has never been a more rewarding feeling to me than the day I heard sweet Tenley’s cry for the first time. My first though was “that’s my baby, she’s mine, I can’t believe this”! My next though was is SHE ok not am I ok during this surgery. I wanted Louie to be with HER, I didn’t care about if he was with me. I wanted the best for her and her health. I never got to hear that sweet cry again nor did I ever see that sweet angel alive but she still means the world to me and although she is no longer with me in body she is with me in memory every day.

Back to the point of this blog. She touched so many lives in the short life she lived. She’s touched people hearts who don’t even know her or I. She gave me new friendships I would never have without her, and she took away friendships that we’re meaningless. She taught her mommy so much and definitely came here for so many reasons. She’s made me such a strong woman and learned who I am and who I want to be. She changed the person who I am for the better. I have felt her with me more in the last month than I have ever. She has been with me holding my hand through some of the hardest milestones of grief. She was created to become an angel, she’s mommy’s angel of hope. She’s bringing so many positive people & things to my life. She’s taught me what family means and what beauty is made of. She’s still doing so much and she’s not even here. How is that even possible? She is my angel, my everything, my baby girl.

Then I got the pleasure of meeting a wonderful woman who has a sick little girl. This child has already made such an impact on my life too. She also taught me what beauty is, she’s inspiring and she’s created a beautiful friendship. I strongly believe Tenley knew her in heaven and is her guardian angel. Whenever I go visit this sweet baby I feel Tenley stronger there than I do anywhere. I think they are friends and she is watching over her friend and making sure she is ok.

                These two little girls have impacted my life so much. Tenley has taught me what love is, how important family is, how precious life is & beauty. Remie has taught me what beauty is, she’s taught me to be a fighter & she made a new friendship possible. These two little girls have BIG plans….I know some of Tenley’s big plans and I know Remie has a bunch up her sleeve. They brought me to what I want to do in life. I want to be the best NICU nurse I can be. It seems like such a rewarding job to nurse these sick babies back to health. I know there will be hard moments and there will be rewarding moments but life is full of those moments.

I also found this quote and I love it. “Real love is when you become selfless and you are more concerned about your mate's or children's egos than your own. You're now a giver instead of a taker."