New beginnings

Well thanksgiving came and went and I cant lie it was like I could stop holding my breath and calm down. I hated it this year I hated going to visit my daughter in the cemetery instead of her enjoying it with family. Life was supposed to be so different right now. I was supposed to have a baby girl and starting my family but that all got flipped upside down. Now I'm back at square one with no baby no boyfriend.
I also moved my stuff out of the house this weekend. It was refreshing it was like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. It was like life was on hold until I could get my stuff and be able to start life again. I have to say it was the best I have slept since Tenley passed. I realize how much stress was in my life I was trying to push something that just wasn't meant to be. I was putting on a front for everyone pretending I was doing great and I was happy. I was trying to make someone love me who just didn't want to love me the way I deserved.
I've been through hell and back this year. Its been full of ups and unforgettable downs. In the end though I have to remember this is going to make me 100 times stronger.
In the end all the struggles I've been through this year have made me the strong person I am today.

A world of changes

Life has been crazy this past week and definitely an emotional one to say the least. Louie and I parted ways and said goodbye but I'm starting to realize this is for the better at least for now. I've found so much peace being at my sister’s house and I feel a lot calmer now. Yes of course it hurts but we we're at totally different spots in life. He will ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart though because he gave the most wonderful gift a woman could ever ask for. He gave me the most beautiful, perfect little girl I could ever ask for.

So thanksgiving is creeping up and I can’t lie I’m DREADING the day. I'm dreading that Tenley won’t be here to experience it. I know she will be with me in spirit though and help me get through that day. I've been trying to realize that she will be here in spirit but I just want her HERE with me in my arms. I want so badly to rock her to sleep, sing a lullaby, change a dirty diaper and watch her coo, laugh and smile. It kills me inside knowing I will never get to do those things with her. The thing that hurts the most though is I will never see those eyes and see what color they we're.

On a happier note I finally found things to decorate her grave for thanksgiving. Can I tell you how hard it is to find a simple sign that says Happy Thanksgiving? I went to at least 5 different stores before I found anything. It makes me happy visiting her and decorating for holidays. I've been finding that I'm not feeling guilty if I don’t make it every day. I used to have to see her EVERYDAY or else I would feel so guilty and think that she thought I wasn’t thinking about her. She does know I think about her though. My whole day is consumed in thoughts of that sweet angel. I just love her so much.

Well Happy holiday's everyone...Hope they are filled with happiness and joy xoxo Hanah Rai