Today was the day one year ago I
would start going into the hospital with contractions coming every two minutes.
Today would be the first of the two days Alta View Hospital would turn me away
saying it was just a UTI even though I insisted it wasn’t and insisted on
seeing a doctor. Not once did they bring a doctor in to see me and their excuse
for not giving me an ultrasound for two days in a row was that they we’re short
on machines. I just wanted to slap some sense into those nurses and scream that
I knew something was wrong with my child, and ask them why in the hell if I’m
Paying for them to have work why they wouldn’t give me what I wanted. I walked
out of the hospital on July 16th pissed and confused how they we’re
turning me away with contractions every minute at this point.
It was
on July 17th I called my dad balling insisting something was wrong
with Tenley. He told me I needed to go to another hospital and get check out.
So I called IMC and demanded that I see a doctor and get an ultrasound and if I
wasn’t going to get those two things I wouldn’t come in. They let me know that
I would for sure get those two things. So we packed up and headed to the
hospital I cried the way there because I was just so furious with Alta View. We
got to IMC and they already had me checked in and went straight to a room and
changed into a gown. The resident came in and started what seemed like a two
hour ultrasound. She kept on saying “are you sure you aren’t feeling any
pressure” and reassured her I didn’t and she just kept saying “wow her head is
extremely low” but then she kept going over the left side of my belly over and
over again and to me it looked like Tenley’s little head. The resident excused
herself and said she would be right back. Right back turned into twenty minutes
as I sat there knowing something wasn’t right. She walked in with another
doctor and I read her tag, it said High Risk OBGYN. I freaked out reading that
and it confirmed that something was wrong I just didn’t know what. She started
going over that same spot and finally put down the wand and looked at me and Louie
with a very serious face. The words that would come out of her mouth next would
turn my world upside down “your child has a very large saccrococogeal Teratoma”
my response was “what’s that” she replied with it’s a very large tumor coming
off her butt. I didn’t have to say a word as they rolled me over and told me
they we’re giving me a steroid shot to help with her lungs, then they explained
how the paramedics we’re waiting for us and taking us up to the u of u. I’m
pretty sure I was just looking at Louie with the saddest look as we both just
started bawling. They told us we could have a couple minutes to call our
families. We both got on our phones with our parents and explained what was
happening and my parents called my sister to get to the hospital. When she
walked in they we’re strapping me up on the bed and we we’re all just crying.
As they we’re loading us into the ambulance the driver was insistent that is
ANYTHING felt different at any time I needed to say something so we could go
lights and sirens. I think this is when it sank in that my child would be making
an entrance into this world sooner than I expected.
We
arrived to the U of U around 6:30 on July 17th greeted by a team of
high risk doctors who would be watching over me. They started an ultrasound and
found no reason we couldn’t keep her in until they steroids did their job. I
was so grateful that we could get her a little stronger since she was only 27
weeks gestation at this point. Day by day passed as we would run tests and
ultrasounds every morning, meeting with new doctors, her surgeons and took a
tour of the NICU so we knew what to expect. On July 19th I woke up extremely
swollen about 50lbs heavier than the day before and we all laughed about it but
it freaking hurt. Then on July 20th late at night my O2 stats started
dipping into the lower 70’s (they are supposed to be upper 90’s) so they put me
on oxygen and really monitored me that night. The next morning while listening
to my lungs they heard fluid in them so they took an x ray and drew some blood
then took me into the ultrasound. When we got back from the Ultrasound it only took
the doctor about 30 mins to come back in with the news. She told me I had
Maternal Mirror Syndrome (occurs when a pregnant woman has fetal hydropic,
which is abnormal accumulation of fluid in two or more fetal compartments. This
disorder gets its name because the mother suffers the same symptoms as the sick
fetus. She will become ill and show signs of preeclampsia. The syndrome is
dangerous for both the expectant mother and her fetus). She said the risk
between continuing pregnancy and keeping baby in to grow stronger we’re
outweighed and today would be the day we delivered our sweet girl.
Before
delivery they gave me two bags of blood because I was low and then at 1:25 it
was off to surgery. As they we’re prepping me and Louie had to wait outside was
the hardest part, we hadn’t been apart for longer than 10 minutes while I was
in the hospital. Right before they started Louie walked in and they started. In
a matter of minutes our baby would be here. At 1:52 pm I heard the most
beautiful sound a person can ever experience and that was of my daughter crying
for the first time.
We only heard her a couple times as the whisked her away to
NICU to get stabilized. There isn’t much I remember after this point because I
got sick from surgery so I got knocked out. The next thing I remember is the
phone ringing and I woke up to it. It was the surgeon, and as Louie was
speaking to him his voice started cracking and his head fell down to his hands,
I still didn’t understand what was happening so I yelled out “will someone
please tell me what is happening?” As our families surrounded us he told me “she
didn’t make it” Immediately I told them I wanted to see her now so they wheeled
me down to see my daughter for the very first time. She was so beautiful a
little angel with tons of black hair and perfect in every way. She looked just
like her daddy with a few exceptions like my eyes and ears and toes, the rest
was daddy with those long legs and cute little nose. We spent a good while with
our daughter. She had passed at 4:16pm on July 21st 2011. I don’t remember
much of seeing her that day but they let me see her and take pictures the next
day. She was perfect again and we took beautiful pictures of our little family
that I will forever cherish.
If you
ask me how it feels a year later I could tell you things have gotten a little
easier but I’ve been through hell and back. If ask me if I’ll ever find my
prince charming who will also love and cherish Tenley my answer would be no. I’ve
hung out with some guys that I just didn’t see it in and I’ve dated one that
there is just no way he could ever accept her. I have had an amazing support
group though and although I and her daddy are no longer together I wish nothing
but the best for him and his future. I will get to where I’m supposed to be and
hopefully find a prince charming to sweep me off my feet and have lots of
little babies but for now that will be on the back burner. No more looking I’m
giving myself the time I need to grieve my baby and become a normal me. A year
later I still feel the burn and the sting of losing you my sweet baby girl and
there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about you. You are forever
my first daughter and my first born. I love you to the moon and back, forever
and for always.
Love your mama
