Saturday, July 28, 2012

1st Birthday


A year came and went and the pain of losing you is slowly getting better. As your birthday was vastly approaching I found so much built up anger in me that your daddy wasn’t around. I feel like I took it out on everyone and anyone around me. I was pissed and I was going to let the world know it, I was pissed he wasn’t there for me I was mad you we're taken away from me and I was mad that I felt like no one understood me. I was so stressed and sad, I've never felt so lonely in my entire life than that month leading up. I wanted to know why me? Why did god take my baby away from me? Was it something that I did, did I say something or do something wrong during my pregnancy was this a punishment for something? I couldn’t help but blame myself for being alone with no baby and her daddy being gone, so I started pushing everyone away.

Life will never be the same without my daughter; I will always wonder why she was sick and why she was taken too soon. I've began to start to see little glimpses of the "old" me and it makes me happy that I can see a little bit of me and who I was before this tragedy. It's not that I'm forgetting my daughter it's just that I'm learning to live my life without her being physically here with me. I will always be sure to let everyone in my life know about her and share her story with people I meet.

Her birthday was such a beautiful & peaceful day with few tears to shed. I did hurt and as I watched my niece I would wonder what she would be doing. Would she be running around with Lyla & Ella? Would she be saying mama or dada? I did find myself laughing with friends and family and celebrating her short life. I was so happy so many people came out to celebrate with our family; it reminded me that people do remember her and love that sweet little girl. I couldn’t ask for better people in my life than the people that are here now.

I miss you Tenley Grace and not a day goes by that I do not miss you or wish you we're here in mama's arms. To comfort those sweet little cries and fix your owies and make everything okay. Sometimes I wish you we're here to comfort mama when she was sad and you would make everything okay again. I love you my sweet daughter and miss you terribly.

Love you mama


3 comments:

  1. Hanah, you write so beautifully. This is such a touching post. You made Tenley's birthday sooo very special. My kids and I were visiting my baby girl on Tenley's birthday and I had to share with them about Tenley's beautiful butterfly release. We want to do that for our Tesslee's first bday -maybe every birthday. I had never seen a butterfly release before but it was so lovely, thanks for sharing Tenley's birthday with us. :)

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  2. Thank you Sara. It was such a beautiful and special day. The butterflies add such a comforting touch. I like to think they are taking my wishes for her to heaven. I think its a great idea to do it for Tesslee's birthday. I will be doing this every year as well

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  3. I love your blog! It was nice reading someone's story and finding do many things I could relate to. I started a blog recently too! It's nice having a place to share your feelings about your little one! Here is my blog if you are interested: www.joyinjackson.blogspot.com I hope you dont mind, but I added your blog to the blogroll on the side. If you don't want it there let me know and I will remove it.
    Take care! I hope to see you at another Share meeting!

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