New year New Me

The past few weeks have been a crazy roller coaster. I have my up days and my down days but I’m finding myself having more up days lately. I had a task from my counselor to write myself a note from Tenley to myself. I didn’t realize it while writing it but I don’t think it was me writing that letter by myself. I don’t believe those we’re my words I believe they we’re words coming from my daughter. I find myself reading that letter every day now. It reminds me that I can remember my baby but I don’t always have to be sad about it. It reminds me that if I go out and meet new people it doesn’t mean I’m forgetting her or how important she is to me. She is my daughter and she will ALWAYS be my baby girl, my angel and my oldest child. I’m prepared to face life again and start fresh. I’m ready to find my new normal the new me.
It’s crazy to think it’s almost been a year that I got pregnant. It was a crazy ride but all worth it in the end. There is nothing I would change about this year (except having my daughter with me). She taught me the importance of life and family. She taught me to love everyone close to me unconditionally because you never know when they will be gone. She also showed me how strong I am and showed me that I can make it through anything. I love my Tenley Grace and cherish every moment I ever had with her. Before I thought how unfair it was that I never got to spend time with her while she was alive. It hit me the other night though. I did spend time with her while she was alive; I spent every minute with her for six months. I felt every move, every hiccup, every summersault and every kick. I swear she thought my bladder was a trampoline she would jump on it all day every day. The best gift I got from her though is getting to hear her 24/7 the last week of her life. I got to wake up to her every morning watching the ultrasound. I got a week of my baby girl waking me up because she wanted me to see her. I got that chance moms get to just stare at their babies and be amazing at how beautiful they are. I got that chance to sit up and just listen to my babies little heartbeat day after day. I got to feed her every day and I got to keep her safe and away from harm’s way. All those things I thought I got cheated out of I did for six months. It may have been to short but it was all worth it.

I love you Tenley Grace thank you for blessing my life and changing it for the better. Xoxo