Big steps

It been a while since I wrote, might be because usually I only blog when I have a bad day but those are coming few and far between now. Don’t get me wrong I still Miss Tenley everyday but I’m learning to deal with it better. I’ve done a lot since I last wrote and I’ve made a lot of big steps in the grieving/healing process. I made a promise to myself last month to try something that I know is going to be hard but things I need to do to start healing. So let’s start with my first big step. I filed to financial assistance with the hospital, I had such a hard time doing this because I dislike HATE asking for help. I wanted to be able to do this on my own and somehow by some miracle pay off Tenley’s medical debt. I realized it just wasn’t going to happen so I filed the papers. It was also hard for me because it’s one of the last things I needed to do for my baby girl. The results came in last week and they took off 96% of the debt which means I now only owe $250. It’s such a blessing to get those bills taken off and a HUGE weight off of my shoulders. My second big step was going back to the hospital and NICU to donate blankets in Tenley’s name. I was literally in the car shaking and thinking I cannot do this I can’t go back in there. I don’t know why because I went back a couple weeks after she passed away to drop off cards to the nurses. I did pretty good though and made it through with only a few shed tears. I also got to see my amazing nurse who was with me the days leading up to Tenley’s birth and she was my nurse during delivery. She is so amazing and I really hope one day when I have a baby again that I can have her as a nurse. We always laughed at her because she always seemed so nervous but she is an amazing woman. She was crying when she saw I and we talked for a bit and she told me that she still has Tenley’s picture up on her fridge and she prays for her and me every day. I love that lady she helped me through this so much.

My third big step happened yesterday. I went and saw my friend Sarah in the hospital after she had her sweet baby. I have to admit I was nervous I was going to have a hard time because her little girl is sick and in NICU but when I walked in there I felt Tenley with me telling me

mama you can do this

she was my strength yesterday. She guiding me through the process and gave me the strength to be there and be happy. It was so healing for me to see that sweet baby and knowing I can go visit her. I feel that Tenley brought me to meet this woman and to help her through this hard time in her life. I know how scary and hard it is to have a sick baby and you need as much support you can get. She is such a beautiful baby I just felt so much love for her when I saw her and I’m so happy to call her mama my friend. I was at lunch today and I really was thinking “I’m really proud of myself for my step last night”. I know it sounds so dumb but I am…. It really made me realize what a strong woman it takes to get through this kind of loss. I think of all my angel mommy friends and think how amazing those women are, I think they are so beautiful because of the strength they show daily. I’m really so encouraged by you ladies and admire you guys. We are special women because god chose us to hold and care for such special & perfect babies. He trusted us to take care of them until he was ready to have them back. He has a purpose for all of this. He had bigger and better plans for those sweet angels above us. Though I wish we met in a different way, I’m so happy we did meet (maybe not in person) but through a support group. My next big endeavor????? MOVING OUT ON MY OWN.. This one is HUGE and so scary on so many levels. I’m so nervous to have

alone time

, to live on my own again is going to be so different, but I’m so ready for this and so excited. I hope to have so many big steps in the next couple months but I’m not going to push myself to far because I still need to remember to take care of myself and let myself heal and grieve correctly. I can’t push it, it will all happen when it’s supposed to. I’m so excited to see what god has next for me in life, and I just pray he has a better year set up for me than this last year.