New beginnings

Well thanksgiving came and went and I cant lie it was like I could stop holding my breath and calm down. I hated it this year I hated going to visit my daughter in the cemetery instead of her enjoying it with family. Life was supposed to be so different right now. I was supposed to have a baby girl and starting my family but that all got flipped upside down. Now I'm back at square one with no baby no boyfriend.
I also moved my stuff out of the house this weekend. It was refreshing it was like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. It was like life was on hold until I could get my stuff and be able to start life again. I have to say it was the best I have slept since Tenley passed. I realize how much stress was in my life I was trying to push something that just wasn't meant to be. I was putting on a front for everyone pretending I was doing great and I was happy. I was trying to make someone love me who just didn't want to love me the way I deserved.
I've been through hell and back this year. Its been full of ups and unforgettable downs. In the end though I have to remember this is going to make me 100 times stronger.
In the end all the struggles I've been through this year have made me the strong person I am today.

A world of changes

Life has been crazy this past week and definitely an emotional one to say the least. Louie and I parted ways and said goodbye but I'm starting to realize this is for the better at least for now. I've found so much peace being at my sister’s house and I feel a lot calmer now. Yes of course it hurts but we we're at totally different spots in life. He will ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart though because he gave the most wonderful gift a woman could ever ask for. He gave me the most beautiful, perfect little girl I could ever ask for.

So thanksgiving is creeping up and I can’t lie I’m DREADING the day. I'm dreading that Tenley won’t be here to experience it. I know she will be with me in spirit though and help me get through that day. I've been trying to realize that she will be here in spirit but I just want her HERE with me in my arms. I want so badly to rock her to sleep, sing a lullaby, change a dirty diaper and watch her coo, laugh and smile. It kills me inside knowing I will never get to do those things with her. The thing that hurts the most though is I will never see those eyes and see what color they we're.

On a happier note I finally found things to decorate her grave for thanksgiving. Can I tell you how hard it is to find a simple sign that says Happy Thanksgiving? I went to at least 5 different stores before I found anything. It makes me happy visiting her and decorating for holidays. I've been finding that I'm not feeling guilty if I don’t make it every day. I used to have to see her EVERYDAY or else I would feel so guilty and think that she thought I wasn’t thinking about her. She does know I think about her though. My whole day is consumed in thoughts of that sweet angel. I just love her so much.

Well Happy holiday's everyone...Hope they are filled with happiness and joy xoxo Hanah Rai

Missing you

Some days I just want to scream at the top of my lungs at god. I want to ask so many questions like why he takes babies too soon sometimes. I know one day I will know these answers but I sometimes I want answers NOW. There are days where I sit around and just cry because it seems like it's the only thing that will help, but in reality nothing will ever help this pain. The days I get so mad at god I also realize he wouldn’t do this unless he knew I was strong enough to make it through this obstacle in life. I've been feeling so guilty lately because I'm so busy with work that I never get time to go and see her, but I know she knows I think about her all day every day. Her due date was probably one of the hardest days of my life and now the holiday's are creeping up on us and it hurts so bad. It hurts knowing she'll never know how much fun the holiday's are. She'll never get to dress up like her favorite character or princess on Halloween. She'll never get to get together with all the family on thanksgiving and play with all her cousins. It hurts knowing she'll never wake up on Christmas day and run to see what Santa brought her. The thing hitting me the most though is knowing that her siblings will never get to meet her and know how amazing she was. So my new goal is to write a story book so when I have babies I can read them the story about their big sister. I want them to always know who she was and how important she will always be to our family. I want when people ask them how many siblings they have to include her. Though she has passed on I will never let her memory die. I love and miss her so much and wish everyday that I could just have one more day with her.

xoxo
Hanah

Headstone

We finally got her headstone put in on friday and it turned out so beautiful.

We also decorated Tenley's grave for Halloween this past week. I feel like she should be part of the festivities too. I bought her a cute black glittery pumpkin and spider. My parents bought the cute scarecrow and balloons. I cant wait to decorate for thanksgiving and Christmas..
HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Baby Tenley's due date

Today was baby Tenley's original due date. We spent it at the walk to remember in Layton. It was a comfortable place to be. There was a lot of love there. I think the part that makes me sad the most is that she won't get to run and play with mom and dad and meet all my amazing family and friends. I believe she was sent here for a short time to help people remember to love each other and don't stress all the small problems in life. I know she showed me that. I love you Tenley! -Daddy

Walk to remember

So today we walked the steps Tenley will never take! It turned out beautiful and was a wonderful way to celebrate her life. Her life was all to short but oh so beautiful. She taught me so much about life and touched the lives of everyone around her. I have to say she was the most beautiful baby I have ever laid eyes on, I don't just say this because she was mine but she was truly made to be an angel. They say there are babies made to be angels and be with us for only a short time then Journey home again, and she did was she was sent here to do. Though I may not know gods purpose to why he brings some babies home to quick right now, I know one day I will understand. Its a complement to be chosen by god to be the mother of a special, "perfect" child. He trusted me to hold a perfect child within my body and to take care of her until he was ready to call her back home. I think of Tenley as a hyperactive comedian, just like her dad. I picture her always playing pranks on me, though she already does. I know she is in heaven laughing and running around with all her friends and guiding us through life. I can't wait to see you again Tenley Grace. I believe we will run to each other and I will cry like the big baby I am and just hold you as long as I can. xoxo

Love,
Mommy

David Guetta feat Usher - Without You (Full Lyrics video)

Hawaii

Louie bought a perfect birthday present this year. He took us to Kauai, Hawaii for a week. It was so nice to sit and relax on the beach and get away from all the stress from the past month. We went the last weekend of August to the first weekend in Septemeber. It was the perfect amount of time for us to bond and relax. Thanks babe for the great week in Hawaii.

Due Date

Tenley's due date is sneaking up on us quite fast. I cant believe I would be thirty nine weeks pregnant as of yesterday. I sit and imagine what my belly would look like or what it would be like if she was here. Not a hour goes by without her sweet face popping into my mind. I felt like everyday was getting a little easier until this past week. It's hitting my heart like a ton of bricks I cant help but sit up every night and just wish she was laying in my arms.
Our families will be participating in the walk to remember on her due date (October 15, 2011). We will walk the steps that she never got to take in this life. At the same time that day is going to be extremely emotional and hard for us. One thing I'm looking forward to is her headstone being put in this week. They said it will be in by Friday, I hope they keep the promise I hate going to the grave site and not seeing it there.
I got a text last week from my best friend of 16 years(Heather Howard Garcia) in the text there was this picture. 

 I knew she was there visiting my sweet baby girl. It made me cry knowing someone else cares about her so much and loves her. I called her for a brief minute and it broke my heart to hear her voice. She was asking me how I do it and told me she was so sorry. She was crying so of course I started tearing up and I just had to remind her it was for the better and that she isn't hurting. I love knowing I have friends and family going to visit her when I cant. I hate the days I don't make it out to see her and chat with her. I know she can listen to me from anywhere I just feel the closet to her at the cemetery.
I found this poem and I absolutely love it so I had to share it with you guys. I'll be back soon to update on our family. Love you guys xoxo

Dearest Mommy

When you wonder the meaning of life and love
Know that I am with you
Close your eyes and feel me kissing you
In the gentle breeze across your cheek
When you begin to doubt that you shall ever see me again
Quiet your mind and hear me
I am in the whisper of the heavens
Speaking of your love

When you lose your identity
When you question who you are
Where you are going
Open your heart and see me
I am the twinkle in the stars
Smiling down upon you
Lighting the path for your journey
When you awaken each morning
Not remembering your dreams
But feeling content and serene
Know that I was with you
Filling your night with thoughts of me

When you linger in the remnant pain
Wholeness seeming so unfamiliar
Think of me and know that I am with you
Touching you through the shared tears of a gentle friend
Easing the pain

As the sunrise illuminates the desert sky
In that breathtaking glory, awaken your spirit
Think of our time together, all too brief, but ever brilliant
When you were certain of your destiny

Know that God created that moment in time, just for us.

Dearest Mommy, I am with you always

By Joanne Cacciatore (c) 1997 from the book "Dear Cheyenne"
This may be reprinted only with the permission of MISS
In memory of Cheyenne

My Mom is a Survivor

My Mom is a survivor,
Or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying
When all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night
And go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
To help her understand.
But like the sands upon the beach
That never wash away...
I watch over my surviving Mom,
Who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...
A smile of disguise.
But through heaven's open door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My Mom tries to cope with my death
To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her
Knows it's her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving Mom
Through heaven's open door...
I try to tell her
Angels protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn't help her...
Or ease the burden she bares.
So if you get a chance,talk to her...
And show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...
No matter what she feels.
My surviving Mom has a broken heart
That time won't ever heal.

~Kay Des'Ormeaux~

Tenley Grace Zitting

  Tenley Grace Zitting was born July 21, 2011 at 1:52 pm. I started having contractions on the friday before she was born that we're coming every two minutes and figured this wasn't normal for me since I was only 26 weeks pregnant. So I went into the hospital and they ran tests and gave me shots to stop the contractions. They came back saying I had a UTI and that it was causing the contractions. I explained to them that I didn't believe it was a UTI because I was having no symptoms. Well of course the doctor thought I was wrong and sent me home. The contractions we're back the next day so again I went into labor and delivery and they monitored me and said it was a UTI. I just wasn't buying that it was a UTI and I knew something wasn't right but once again they sent me home. Sunday came around and the contractions we're only getting stronger and closer so I finally decided to go to another hospital. So I went to IMC on sunday afternoon around 4pm. I got there and they immediately had a resident see me and they did an ultrasound. I could tell something was wrong with the look on the residents face and she said she would be right back. Then the high risk doctor on call came in and continued the ultrasound and then a hard blow came at us. She informed us that Tenley had a sacrococcygeal teratoma (fancy name for a tumor on her bottom) and that is was quite large. She informed us that they would be sending me to the U of U hospital by ambulance and we would be meeting with a high risk team. Louie and I both completely lost it at this point. I couldn't believe my little baby girl had a tumor and they would have to deliver her within the week. We got to the U of U hospital and immediately had doctor after doctor coming in to talk to us about this tumor. They informed us that they would be monitoring her and doing ultrasounds every morning until we delivered. Well Tenley was such a little trooper and was constantly moving and kicking around. Thursday came and I was having problems breathing and was getting really swollen. They informed me that my body was mimicking Tenley's body and they needed to do some blood work and x-rays. The blood work and x-rays came back quickly and the doctors came in the room and informed me that my blood was low and I had fluid around my lungs and that today was going to be the day. They gave me a blood transfusion that took about two hours then it was off to the c- section. They took me back at about 1:15 to prep me and delivered miss Tenley at 1:52pm. They said that we wouldn't hear her cry in the delivery room but she let out three little cries. They took her straight to NICU and started stabilizing her since she was 13 weeks early. Unfortunately during delivery her tumor ruptured and she was bleeding internally. They ran her over to primary children's and started surgery and continued to try and stabilize her. Around 4:30 pm we got the worst call of our lives they had done everything they could but she didn't make it. Tenley Grace passed away at 4:16 pm on July 21, 2011. She brought so much love into the lives of so many people and brought so many people together. I love my Little Angel so much and I miss her more than words can express.

...I've a date with a butterfly 

To dance in the air. 

I'll be singing in the sunshine, 

Wild and free, 

Playing tag with the wind, 

While I'm waiting for thee 

Don't weep at my grave, 

For I am not there,