Butterflies and holidays

                I was thinking of my baby girl a lot yesterday as I was watching the snow fall and realizing the holiday’s we’re approaching more quickly than I’d like. Most people love the holidays, unfortunately holidays are different for me now as it’s a painful reminder that Tenley can’t be here to celebrate with us. Then a random thought popped in my head and I’m not sure where it came from but I was like watching a video of us releasing butterflies at Tenley’s funeral and it felt like I was in a dream and I looked at Louie and told him we we’re letting our daughter go at that moment, we we’re symbolizing her spreading her wings and going on in her life on her own journey.  I immediately burst into tear knowing my little girl was trying to remind me that I “set her free that day” to go on to do amazing things and wait for her mommy and daddy. I just kept replaying that moment of those butterflies flying straight to her casket and then flying away and in a way I think they we’re going to get her and show her the way (like they we’re other family members she’s with and they we’re showing her how to spread her wings and fly with them). I can’t help but continue to replay that in my head and it brings a smile to my face because I think she is here trying to remind me during the holidays that she’s okay and happy and she wants me to remember that she’s flying around and she wants that to make her mama happy. I love you Tenley Grace xoxo

1st Birthday

A year came and went and the pain of losing you is slowly getting better. As your birthday was vastly approaching I found so much built up anger in me that your daddy wasn’t around. I feel like I took it out on everyone and anyone around me. I was pissed and I was going to let the world know it, I was pissed he wasn’t there for me I was mad you we're taken away from me and I was mad that I felt like no one understood me. I was so stressed and sad, I've never felt so lonely in my entire life than that month leading up. I wanted to know why me? Why did god take my baby away from me? Was it something that I did, did I say something or do something wrong during my pregnancy was this a punishment for something? I couldn’t help but blame myself for being alone with no baby and her daddy being gone, so I started pushing everyone away.

Life will never be the same without my daughter; I will always wonder why she was sick and why she was taken too soon. I've began to start to see little glimpses of the "old" me and it makes me happy that I can see a little bit of me and who I was before this tragedy. It's not that I'm forgetting my daughter it's just that I'm learning to live my life without her being physically here with me. I will always be sure to let everyone in my life know about her and share her story with people I meet.

Her birthday was such a beautiful & peaceful day with few tears to shed. I did hurt and as I watched my niece I would wonder what she would be doing. Would she be running around with Lyla & Ella? Would she be saying mama or dada? I did find myself laughing with friends and family and celebrating her short life. I was so happy so many people came out to celebrate with our family; it reminded me that people do remember her and love that sweet little girl. I couldn’t ask for better people in my life than the people that are here now.

I miss you Tenley Grace and not a day goes by that I do not miss you or wish you we're here in mama's arms. To comfort those sweet little cries and fix your owies and make everything okay. Sometimes I wish you we're here to comfort mama when she was sad and you would make everything okay again. I love you my sweet daughter and miss you terribly.

Love you mama

365 days of missing you

Today was the day one year ago I would start going into the hospital with contractions coming every two minutes. Today would be the first of the two days Alta View Hospital would turn me away saying it was just a UTI even though I insisted it wasn’t and insisted on seeing a doctor. Not once did they bring a doctor in to see me and their excuse for not giving me an ultrasound for two days in a row was that they we’re short on machines. I just wanted to slap some sense into those nurses and scream that I knew something was wrong with my child, and ask them why in the hell if I’m Paying for them to have work why they wouldn’t give me what I wanted. I walked out of the hospital on July 16^th pissed and confused how they we’re turning me away with contractions every minute at this point.

                It was on July 17^th I called my dad balling insisting something was wrong with Tenley. He told me I needed to go to another hospital and get check out. So I called IMC and demanded that I see a doctor and get an ultrasound and if I wasn’t going to get those two things I wouldn’t come in. They let me know that I would for sure get those two things. So we packed up and headed to the hospital I cried the way there because I was just so furious with Alta View. We got to IMC and they already had me checked in and went straight to a room and changed into a gown. The resident came in and started what seemed like a two hour ultrasound. She kept on saying “are you sure you aren’t feeling any pressure” and reassured her I didn’t and she just kept saying “wow her head is extremely low” but then she kept going over the left side of my belly over and over again and to me it looked like Tenley’s little head. The resident excused herself and said she would be right back. Right back turned into twenty minutes as I sat there knowing something wasn’t right. She walked in with another doctor and I read her tag, it said High Risk OBGYN. I freaked out reading that and it confirmed that something was wrong I just didn’t know what. She started going over that same spot and finally put down the wand and looked at me and Louie with a very serious face. The words that would come out of her mouth next would turn my world upside down “your child has a very large saccrococogeal Teratoma” my response was “what’s that” she replied with it’s a very large tumor coming off her butt. I didn’t have to say a word as they rolled me over and told me they we’re giving me a steroid shot to help with her lungs, then they explained how the paramedics we’re waiting for us and taking us up to the u of u. I’m pretty sure I was just looking at Louie with the saddest look as we both just started bawling. They told us we could have a couple minutes to call our families. We both got on our phones with our parents and explained what was happening and my parents called my sister to get to the hospital. When she walked in they we’re strapping me up on the bed and we we’re all just crying. As they we’re loading us into the ambulance the driver was insistent that is ANYTHING felt different at any time I needed to say something so we could go lights and sirens. I think this is when it sank in that my child would be making an entrance into this world sooner than I expected.

                We arrived to the U of U around 6:30 on July 17^th greeted by a team of high risk doctors who would be watching over me. They started an ultrasound and found no reason we couldn’t keep her in until they steroids did their job. I was so grateful that we could get her a little stronger since she was only 27 weeks gestation at this point. Day by day passed as we would run tests and ultrasounds every morning, meeting with new doctors, her surgeons and took a tour of the NICU so we knew what to expect. On July 19^th I woke up extremely swollen about 50lbs heavier than the day before and we all laughed about it but it freaking hurt. Then on July 20^th late at night my O2 stats started dipping into the lower 70’s (they are supposed to be upper 90’s) so they put me on oxygen and really monitored me that night. The next morning while listening to my lungs they heard fluid in them so they took an x ray and drew some blood then took me into the ultrasound. When we got back from the Ultrasound it only took the doctor about 30 mins to come back in with the news. She told me I had Maternal Mirror Syndrome (occurs when a pregnant woman has fetal hydropic, which is abnormal accumulation of fluid in two or more fetal compartments. This disorder gets its name because the mother suffers the same symptoms as the sick fetus. She will become ill and show signs of preeclampsia. The syndrome is dangerous for both the expectant mother and her fetus). She said the risk between continuing pregnancy and keeping baby in to grow stronger we’re outweighed and today would be the day we delivered our sweet girl.

 Before delivery they gave me two bags of blood because I was low and then at 1:25 it was off to surgery. As they we’re prepping me and Louie had to wait outside was the hardest part, we hadn’t been apart for longer than 10 minutes while I was in the hospital. Right before they started Louie walked in and they started. In a matter of minutes our baby would be here. At 1:52 pm I heard the most beautiful sound a person can ever experience and that was of my daughter crying for the first time.

 We only heard her a couple times as the whisked her away to NICU to get stabilized. There isn’t much I remember after this point because I got sick from surgery so I got knocked out. The next thing I remember is the phone ringing and I woke up to it. It was the surgeon, and as Louie was speaking to him his voice started cracking and his head fell down to his hands, I still didn’t understand what was happening so I yelled out “will someone please tell me what is happening?” As our families surrounded us he told me “she didn’t make it” Immediately I told them I wanted to see her now so they wheeled me down to see my daughter for the very first time. She was so beautiful a little angel with tons of black hair and perfect in every way. She looked just like her daddy with a few exceptions like my eyes and ears and toes, the rest was daddy with those long legs and cute little nose. We spent a good while with our daughter. She had passed at 4:16pm on July 21^st 2011. I don’t remember much of seeing her that day but they let me see her and take pictures the next day. She was perfect again and we took beautiful pictures of our little family that I will forever cherish.

If you ask me how it feels a year later I could tell you things have gotten a little easier but I’ve been through hell and back. If ask me if I’ll ever find my prince charming who will also love and cherish Tenley my answer would be no. I’ve hung out with some guys that I just didn’t see it in and I’ve dated one that there is just no way he could ever accept her. I have had an amazing support group though and although I and her daddy are no longer together I wish nothing but the best for him and his future. I will get to where I’m supposed to be and hopefully find a prince charming to sweep me off my feet and have lots of little babies but for now that will be on the back burner. No more looking I’m giving myself the time I need to grieve my baby and become a normal me. A year later I still feel the burn and the sting of losing you my sweet baby girl and there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about you. You are forever my first daughter and my first born. I love you to the moon and back, forever and for always.

                                                                              Love your mama

Two little souls with big plans

Remie
Daughter of Sarah Ellett

                       Tenley
Daughter of Hanah Cummings & Louie Zitting

It amazes me how such a tiny soul can make such an impact on one’s life. I’ve not only seen this once but I’ve seen this in so many tiny babies. From the moment we find out we are carrying a child or our partner finds out we are with child our whole life changes. It’s no longer about you it’s about what’s best for the baby. It becomes a race to become the best parents you can be even before their arrival. You suddenly become selfless and put this tiny beings needs before yours.

There has never been a more rewarding feeling to me than the day I heard sweet Tenley’s cry for the first time. My first though was “that’s my baby, she’s mine, I can’t believe this”! My next though was is SHE ok not am I ok during this surgery. I wanted Louie to be with HER, I didn’t care about if he was with me. I wanted the best for her and her health. I never got to hear that sweet cry again nor did I ever see that sweet angel alive but she still means the world to me and although she is no longer with me in body she is with me in memory every day.

Back to the point of this blog. She touched so many lives in the short life she lived. She’s touched people hearts who don’t even know her or I. She gave me new friendships I would never have without her, and she took away friendships that we’re meaningless. She taught her mommy so much and definitely came here for so many reasons. She’s made me such a strong woman and learned who I am and who I want to be. She changed the person who I am for the better. I have felt her with me more in the last month than I have ever. She has been with me holding my hand through some of the hardest milestones of grief. She was created to become an angel, she’s mommy’s angel of hope. She’s bringing so many positive people & things to my life. She’s taught me what family means and what beauty is made of. She’s still doing so much and she’s not even here. How is that even possible? She is my angel, my everything, my baby girl.

Then I got the pleasure of meeting a wonderful woman who has a sick little girl. This child has already made such an impact on my life too. She also taught me what beauty is, she’s inspiring and she’s created a beautiful friendship. I strongly believe Tenley knew her in heaven and is her guardian angel. Whenever I go visit this sweet baby I feel Tenley stronger there than I do anywhere. I think they are friends and she is watching over her friend and making sure she is ok.

                These two little girls have impacted my life so much. Tenley has taught me what love is, how important family is, how precious life is & beauty. Remie has taught me what beauty is, she’s taught me to be a fighter & she made a new friendship possible. These two little girls have BIG plans….I know some of Tenley’s big plans and I know Remie has a bunch up her sleeve. They brought me to what I want to do in life. I want to be the best NICU nurse I can be. It seems like such a rewarding job to nurse these sick babies back to health. I know there will be hard moments and there will be rewarding moments but life is full of those moments.

I also found this quote and I love it. “Real love is when you become selfless and you are more concerned about your mate's or children's egos than your own. You're now a giver instead of a taker."

Big steps

It been a while since I wrote, might be because usually I only blog when I have a bad day but those are coming few and far between now. Don’t get me wrong I still Miss Tenley everyday but I’m learning to deal with it better. I’ve done a lot since I last wrote and I’ve made a lot of big steps in the grieving/healing process. I made a promise to myself last month to try something that I know is going to be hard but things I need to do to start healing. So let’s start with my first big step. I filed to financial assistance with the hospital, I had such a hard time doing this because I dislike HATE asking for help. I wanted to be able to do this on my own and somehow by some miracle pay off Tenley’s medical debt. I realized it just wasn’t going to happen so I filed the papers. It was also hard for me because it’s one of the last things I needed to do for my baby girl. The results came in last week and they took off 96% of the debt which means I now only owe $250. It’s such a blessing to get those bills taken off and a HUGE weight off of my shoulders. My second big step was going back to the hospital and NICU to donate blankets in Tenley’s name. I was literally in the car shaking and thinking I cannot do this I can’t go back in there. I don’t know why because I went back a couple weeks after she passed away to drop off cards to the nurses. I did pretty good though and made it through with only a few shed tears. I also got to see my amazing nurse who was with me the days leading up to Tenley’s birth and she was my nurse during delivery. She is so amazing and I really hope one day when I have a baby again that I can have her as a nurse. We always laughed at her because she always seemed so nervous but she is an amazing woman. She was crying when she saw I and we talked for a bit and she told me that she still has Tenley’s picture up on her fridge and she prays for her and me every day. I love that lady she helped me through this so much.

My third big step happened yesterday. I went and saw my friend Sarah in the hospital after she had her sweet baby. I have to admit I was nervous I was going to have a hard time because her little girl is sick and in NICU but when I walked in there I felt Tenley with me telling me

mama you can do this

she was my strength yesterday. She guiding me through the process and gave me the strength to be there and be happy. It was so healing for me to see that sweet baby and knowing I can go visit her. I feel that Tenley brought me to meet this woman and to help her through this hard time in her life. I know how scary and hard it is to have a sick baby and you need as much support you can get. She is such a beautiful baby I just felt so much love for her when I saw her and I’m so happy to call her mama my friend. I was at lunch today and I really was thinking “I’m really proud of myself for my step last night”. I know it sounds so dumb but I am…. It really made me realize what a strong woman it takes to get through this kind of loss. I think of all my angel mommy friends and think how amazing those women are, I think they are so beautiful because of the strength they show daily. I’m really so encouraged by you ladies and admire you guys. We are special women because god chose us to hold and care for such special & perfect babies. He trusted us to take care of them until he was ready to have them back. He has a purpose for all of this. He had bigger and better plans for those sweet angels above us. Though I wish we met in a different way, I’m so happy we did meet (maybe not in person) but through a support group. My next big endeavor????? MOVING OUT ON MY OWN.. This one is HUGE and so scary on so many levels. I’m so nervous to have

alone time

, to live on my own again is going to be so different, but I’m so ready for this and so excited. I hope to have so many big steps in the next couple months but I’m not going to push myself to far because I still need to remember to take care of myself and let myself heal and grieve correctly. I can’t push it, it will all happen when it’s supposed to. I’m so excited to see what god has next for me in life, and I just pray he has a better year set up for me than this last year.

What I would do with one more day with you….

What would I do with one more day with you? What would I tell you? If I had one more day with you I would give you an unimaginable amount of kisses, I would kiss those sweet toes, those perfect lips and that cute little button nose. I would do things I knew I would never get the chance to. I would bathe you and put a pretty bow in that beautiful long dark hair. I would dress you in the most perfect outfit. I would tickle those little feet and paint those cute little toes nails and finger nails. I would study ever little part of your perfect body so I could always remember. I would hold you and sing you a lullaby while you fell asleep. I would rock you in my arms till they felt like they we’re going to fall off then rock you more. I would take a nap next to you just so I could wake up to you at least once. I would take you on a walk outside so you could see trees, birds, the sky and grass. I would show you off to all my friends and family. I would laugh, cry and talk to you so you always remembered mommy’s voice. I would watch a movie with you and a children’s show. I would read a book to you. I would play peek-a-boo with you. I would tell you all about mommy and daddy. I would tell you how we met and how we fell in love. I would tell you how much I love you and how much I will miss you. I would ask you to come visit me and watch over me. I would tell you all about your grandma’s, grandpas, and all your aunts and uncle, and your cousins. I would tell you how beautiful you are and how you are so perfect. I would tell you about when you we’re in my belly and how it felt. I would tell you all the funny things you would do in mommy’s belly. I would tell you a love story about a prince and princess. I would tell you not to go and not to leave me. I would tell you my heart was going to break when you left me. I would tell you to tell god to take good care of you until your mommy got there. At the end of my time with you I would tell you I love you and it’s okay to go now. I would tell you I will miss you and always remember you. I would tell you that you’ll always be my first baby and my first daughter. I would tell you that you’ll always mean the world to me. I would tell you that you forever changed me. I would thank you for blessing my life and allowing me to be the mommy of the most beautiful and precious baby girl. I love you baby girl forever and for always. Love, Mommy

Valentines in heaven

I wonder what Valentines day is like in heaven. Do you think all the little kids make valentines boxes like they do here and deliver valentines to their friends? Do you think they have a favorite boy/girl to give their valentine to? The thought of heaven amazes me lately I always wonder what it is like on holiday's and on regular days. I wonder what Little miss Tenley is up to, if she is running around with her friends or if she is with family. I went to visit my sweet valentine yesterday with my sister and niece. We took her some flowers and a card (ella gave her a valentine that she gave to her classmates)! Ella loves her little cousin even though she isn't here. She draws her pictures for her grave all the time, and looks at pictures with me. Sometimes I wonder what she is thinking about it too, I wonder if she grasps that she really is gone. We we're so close when I was pregnant and she would feel her move everyday. I love being able to see my sweet Ella everyday though it's nice to have a young child around. Well here are some pictures of yesterday.

Last days of being pregnant....

Can I tell you how much I miss being pregnant? If I could I would seriously be pregnant every day of my life. I can’t express how amazing it was to feel those hiccups, summersaults, kicks, punches and rolls. I remember those last few days with my daughter like it was yesterday. Tenley HATED those monitors she would kick them and move from them as much as she could. Most of the time when we lost her heartbeat they would have to bring an ultrasound machine in the room to find it again. She would put her back to the monitor so we couldn’t hear. She had such a little attitude but oh boy I loved her attitude, I miss her attitude. Looking back at pictures I was in such awe listening to her I had a constant smile on my face. The only time I didn’t have a smile is when we would loose her heartbeat or when the doctors would come in and talk to us. I didn’t want to have to think about how my child would be disabled, how she would have multiple surgery's throughout her life, how her bum would never be "normal"! I remember thinking why are you telling me this stuff? I don’t care what her bum is going to look like, I don’t care if she is going to have special needs, She is my daughter and I will always love her and do whatever I had to do for you. I hated knowing my sweet baby would be in pain and have to have surgery after surgery to get rid of that nasty tumor. This is a look back on the best days I ever had with Tenley Grace.

New year New Me

The past few weeks have been a crazy roller coaster. I have my up days and my down days but I’m finding myself having more up days lately. I had a task from my counselor to write myself a note from Tenley to myself. I didn’t realize it while writing it but I don’t think it was me writing that letter by myself. I don’t believe those we’re my words I believe they we’re words coming from my daughter. I find myself reading that letter every day now. It reminds me that I can remember my baby but I don’t always have to be sad about it. It reminds me that if I go out and meet new people it doesn’t mean I’m forgetting her or how important she is to me. She is my daughter and she will ALWAYS be my baby girl, my angel and my oldest child. I’m prepared to face life again and start fresh. I’m ready to find my new normal the new me.
It’s crazy to think it’s almost been a year that I got pregnant. It was a crazy ride but all worth it in the end. There is nothing I would change about this year (except having my daughter with me). She taught me the importance of life and family. She taught me to love everyone close to me unconditionally because you never know when they will be gone. She also showed me how strong I am and showed me that I can make it through anything. I love my Tenley Grace and cherish every moment I ever had with her. Before I thought how unfair it was that I never got to spend time with her while she was alive. It hit me the other night though. I did spend time with her while she was alive; I spent every minute with her for six months. I felt every move, every hiccup, every summersault and every kick. I swear she thought my bladder was a trampoline she would jump on it all day every day. The best gift I got from her though is getting to hear her 24/7 the last week of her life. I got to wake up to her every morning watching the ultrasound. I got a week of my baby girl waking me up because she wanted me to see her. I got that chance moms get to just stare at their babies and be amazing at how beautiful they are. I got that chance to sit up and just listen to my babies little heartbeat day after day. I got to feed her every day and I got to keep her safe and away from harm’s way. All those things I thought I got cheated out of I did for six months. It may have been to short but it was all worth it.

I love you Tenley Grace thank you for blessing my life and changing it for the better. Xoxo